Downtime

I’ve been feeling down from a long time and finally, after a lot of cloudy days and a ton of brooding and despair, I’ve finally started pulling myself out of depression. I’ve been suffering from depression since the age of 10, so it’s always on and off with me, but this time it really hit me hard. And the worst part is, I’m not even sure what caused it; maybe one thing in particular or the other, or maybe it was the sum of all or maybe it was just because of something someone said or did. In any case, I’m not even sure if that matters anymore because I’ve been trying to find the reason for months now only to find myself stumbling in a dark maze of not-so-good thoughts.

In the past few months I tried to get out of this dark spell a number of times, but surprisingly nothing worked at all and the vacations we took, the impromptu shopping sprees, all the expensive food and booze, nothing… absolutely nothing worked. I tried crying too, but that just made things worse and pulled me further down.

The thing that really pains me though is that I hate to do this to the one person who lives with me, the only person who actually loves me and cares for me – Vishal. My depression affects him, a lot more than he shows and I know this, and to be honest, that’s one of the reasons, or maybe it’s the only reason I try to not make things worse by doing stupid things like fighting, arguing, or attempting different ways of self-harming. It’s very frustrating at times; sometimes my suicidal tendencies get the best of me, sometimes anger does and sometimes hurt, but this time it was sadness. And trust me, sadness was the worst of them all.

Vishal’s been so patient with me and it is his patience that makes it possible for me to even come out of my depression. It is his love for me that makes me believe in myself and my capabilities to deal with it all. God only knows how exhausting it might be for him to be in a relationship with me. I am so fucking grateful to have him in my life. It is his and only his presence that keeps me sane and functional… and even alive. And so I’ve decided that I’ve spent enough time in the dark abyss and have pulled him down enough too. It stops here. I feel like I’ve wasted enough time already worrying about things that I shouldn’t have even thought about in the first place, that don’t even matter and that can’t even touch me. So, I’m just going to pull myself together and start my normal daily routine. I need to start practising gratitude again because it is the one thing that makes me feel sane and calm. Why? I have no idea. It just does, just like meditation, so I’m gonna do these two things and try to get back into the swing of things at work and at home.

Eva is such a blessing in our lives and now that I have almost finished the 2 critique projects I’ve been working on, I have all the time in the world to be with her and Vishal. I’m just going to be grateful for the beautiful life I have and for the most amazing husband and the most adorable fur-baby and be happy. And when Vishal gets some time off from work, we’ll hunt for a GSD pup. I’ve bounced back from depression so many times now that I’ve practically lost the count, so I’m just going to do it again. I am just going to take this all slow and steady till I get back to where I was emotionally a few months back to promote Deceived and write Sinister Town.

I am just going to take this all slow and steady till I get back to where I was emotionally before and resume promoting Deceived and writing Sinister Town.

BTW, if you ever feel down or low, listen to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica and everything will start to feel unreal and I bet you’ll start to get high just by listening to this beautiful, beautiful song. And a lot of things will start to make sense.

I am not going to apologise for my emotional rant because this post is really important to me – first, it helped me unload my emotional burden and really made me feel a lot better and second, this post helped me Freewrite. So, peace out! 🙂

Ciao ❤

A Lost Memory (Bianca Brown #1)

This short story/flash fiction is written for the photo prompt at Describli.

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Finding A Diamond

Genre: Fantasy

I wake up with a start, completely unaware of everything. I sit up with a jerk and wonder where am I? I look around myself and realize that I don’t even know who the hell am I.
I try taking deep breaths. In and out, in and out. I reach with my hands and touch the mattress and a the tangled covers, trying to figure out my whereabouts.

I pat  beside me and realize that someone is in the bed with me. What the heck! I get out of the bed quickly, fumbling with the covers. The guy beside me wakes up and sits up rubbing the sleep from his eyes, “What happened, sweetie? You okay?” He looks at me furrowing his eyebrows.

From the faint moonlight that is coming through the glass windows of the room, I see his handsome face. Somehow I feel that I know him, but how, I can’t say. Well, he is in my bed, so obviously, I had to know him. But right now I can’t remember him.

“Who are you? What is this place? And who am I?” I try to sound as calm as possible but hearing my own words I know that I’m already sounding panicky.

“It’s okay, baby. Doctor said that it might happen.” He takes a deep breath and pat beside him, where I’d been sleeping. “Sit down and I’ll explain you everything.”

I know that something’s not right, but I can feel that this good-looking guy is definitely not a threat. I sit beside him and take a few calming breaths. After a minute, when I feel a little relaxed, I look at him expectantly.

He smiles and says, “My name is Jerry. Yours is Bianca, but we all call you B. I’m your fiancé and in two months we’ll be getting married, so you can relax.” He smiles again and says, “4 months ago you had an accident that affected your memory, severely. Some days you remember everything but some days you can’t. It has happened before, more than a dozen times, so please just try and relax. Okay? I’m sure that by tomorrow morning you’ll be just fine.”

What? I sigh heavily rubbing my face with my hands. Well, I knew something wasn’t right but I also knew that somehow I’ve been through this before. It does not come as a complete shock; I guess losing your memory, again and again, wears you off at some point. I think my brain is getting used to it now because I’m not freaking out the way I should. Whatever it is, I’m feeling better now, more composed. Guess that’s how I am, I mean nature wise. Well, we’ll see tomorrow.

I lie down facing my back to him, curled up in a ball and trying to forget what just happened. Maybe it is a bad dream and all I have to do is wake up.

#

The loud screeching of the alarm clock wakes me up at 7:00 am.

I turn it off and make my way to the bathroom. J is brushing his teeth, a white towel wrapped around his waist. I go to him and hug him from behind, “Good morning, J.”

He smiles at me looking at my reflection in the mirror and says through the bubbles in his mouth, “Hey, you’re up.”

I nod, still hugging him. For some reason, I’m feeling restless and insecure. I know it sounds exaggerated but due to my medical condition I feel like this most of the time. He turns around once he’s done, wiping his face with a small towel and tossing it on the stand. He hugs me saying, “are you okay?” I hear a slight tense note in his voice. What is it?

I try to ignore it and say, “Yep. Just a little tired, I guess.”

“Hmm. You remember anything from last night?”

I freeze for a second, my whole body tensing up. But when I look at him, the expression on his face looks relaxed, so I’m guessing that I didn’t do anything stupid, like last time when I started yelling when I saw him in the bed next to me. I shake my head, trying to remember what happened. But all I can remember is, after having dinner at The Ivy, we came to J’s place, made love, twice, and then we slept. “I hope I didn’t trouble you,” I say unsure of what to expect.

“Oh, no. Nothing like that. In fact, you were surprisingly calm last night. I mean, maybe you’re getting used to it now.”

“I guess.” I smile at him weakly. I know he means it in a good way, but the thought, that I’m getting “used to it,” is not making me feel any better. This is not how I want to spend my life. This is not who I am.

“Come on now, we have to get ready for…”

“Yea, I remember. Breakfast with mom.”

I go to my cupboard to see what I’m going to wear today. I go through all the dresses that are hanging and decide to wear the blue frock. I hear the bathroom door click- J is taking a bath. I immediately unlock the small metallic side-pocket- that is under the cupboard drawer, behind my undergarments- and open it. I take out the glistening black diamond from it. I hid it here the day I came back from the hospital.

I caress the smooth surface of the beautiful stone and remember the words I hear in my sleep every night since the day I lost my memory- The diamond will show you the way. Don’t let anyone see it.

I don’t know how I got it or what it does, but I do know, for sure, that somehow it belongs to me. No one ever mentioned it, but I am sure that it is something that no one knows about, at least not in my family.

It is my little secret and some day I will find out the real truth. The truth that everybody is trying to hide from me – The memory  that no one wants me to remember.


 

Note: All views and opinions shared in this post are my own.

Please feel free to give your feedback in the comments section below.

You can read my other stories here.


 

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Free – After A Long Time

This short story/flash fiction is written for the photo prompt at Describli.


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Photo prompt

This is it… Today is the day…

Today I’ll meet him almost after 10 years.

We’ve been complete strangers since the day I left my old town with my mother.

I waited for him to contact me for a long, long time. But he never did. And so, I gave up waiting for him. He was the one who wanted me gone, so how could I have reached out to him. I remember the day he told me to go, he didn’t even come to the station to say goodbye.

At one time, he was my world, my first love, my superhero, my provider, my saviour, my everything. But then, he was nothing.

He didn’t even come when I graduated. He didn’t even come when I got married, he didn’t even come when I had a child, but yesterday night, out of the blue, I got his call, after 10 lonely years, saying only 3 words – Can we meet.

And after the exchange of a few more words, I’m standing here in the rain, waiting for him like I did a lifetime ago. Yes, it does feel like a lifetime. I thought that I’ve learned to live without him, but yesterday after his call, I realised just how much I really missed him and he did in fact, meant something to me after all these years of living my life without him, the most important man in my life.

I tap my feet on the moist ground below me, the crunching of leaves making me more nervous. But why am I nervous? He should be the one who should be nervous, cause he wanted me to leave that day. He was the one who sent me packing to a new town, amongst strangers, alone.

For 3 years I waited for his call day and night. I was so desperate to get him back that I had no idea how to live anymore. So, I did what I had to do to drown my suffering. I got into smoking and drinking. I became a rebel and made my mom hate me for it. I became a loner, a nobody.

But when after 3 years I realised that he will never call me, I finally started to pull my life together. It took me a long, long time. And finally, when I was living a happy life with my family, he rises from the dead and simply calls me. As if we just had dinner last week.

Why? Who the hell does he think he is? How can he even think that he can ask me to see him? And why the hell am I here?

This is a bad idea… I really should not be here. I must go back, to my family who loves me for who I am.

I shake my head and get up from the bench, pulling my raincoat tighter around me.

I’m leaving. He deserves to be stood up. To be left alone.

And just as I’m about to leave… I see him.

He’s walking slowly towards me, from the other side of the road. And as soon as he’s close enough for me to see his face clearly, a sob escapes my mouth.

And somehow, after all, these years of pain and suffering and living like an orphan, I still feel that somehow his presence is going to make everything alright.

After all, he’s my father and he’ll always be.


Please feel free to give your feedback in the comments section below.

You can read my other stories here.


 

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Note: All views and opinions shared in this post are my own.

Losing My Brother

This poem is written for the photo prompt at Describli.

Before you start reading the poem, I’d like to say that I’m no poet. I just write whatever comes to my mind and whenever it does.

I hope you’ll like this poem as it is really very close to my heart.


 

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Losing My Brother

I could hear their marching feet,

The unyielding boots on the harsh cold ground,

The chilling winds carrying their beastly sounds.

*

I wanted to run away and hide, or better yet fly,

But I froze on the cursed land… Why, oh why?

*

They came towards me, weapons of destruction in their hands,

The mud getting loose under their heavy weight.

*

The small babe, that was my brother, gave a loud cry,

squirming and crying under the torn-up cloth in my hand.

*

They came forward and shoved me hard on the ground,

Making my brother fall  on the damned dirt of this ruined land,

They snatched him from my hands and took him away from me.

*

I can see him crying and twitching to be near me,

To be wrapped in the warmth of my love and care.

But they didn’t have an ear for us, as they turned their pathetic backs on me

And off they went.

His sorrowful wailing cries tearing at my heart and soul.

*

I lied there waiting for a miracle to happen

but, sadly, there was none…


Ruined Dreams (Jessie #2)

Jessie: Story About A Girl is a contemporary fiction short story series based on the theme of love and family.

Each part of this story is written for the photo prompts at Describli.

Ruined Dreams

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Genre: Contemporary Fiction

 

“I love someone else,” one sentence that changed everything – my dreams, my expectations and, most of all, my life.

A sentence that completely shook the foundation of the only relationship in my life that I cherished.

Sitting in front of him, I can see that he’s still trying to explain me something animatedly. As if his falling in love with someone can be justified. As if all this is just something that can be explained. What really ticks me off is seeing him bothering to explain me all this. How can he not see that what he just said has literally destroyed my life, even more that that horrible accident I had about a year ago?

Looking at Rick making desperate attempts at finding a pathetic excuse for an explanation an odd thought hits me, is it because of that accident that he wants to leave me?

I remember, a few months back he was worried about my chances of conceiving a child. The doctors thought that because of my broken lower back I won’t be able to conceive a child, and he was really upset, at least more than I was expecting. I mean it’s only been two years since we got married and the truth is we never even really talked about it (about the baby) before that day, and the next thing I know, Rick got really upset with the news.

But if that’s the reason, then should I tell him that against all the odds I am pregnant?

I was so happy yesterday when I found out that I was expecting. I thought I’d tell him today and surprise him with the news but looks like life’s not meant to be that simple for me. Will he stay if he knows that he can be a father? Should I tell him after he’s just confessed his love for someone else? 

I don’t think so. No. I cannot. Because I don’t want him to love me just because I’ll be the mother of his child. Or worse yet, he might still leave, but not only just me but our child too. That will be really awful.

Why did you do this Rick? Why?

I look into Rick’s moist eyes and asks the question that’s been bugging me since he’s said those cursed 4 words, “Who?”

He looks taken aback for a second and the looking down, he says in a voice that is barely audible, “Nikita.”

“What?”

He nods his head slowly and looks at me, “Yes. It…. it just happened.”

Great. My husband is cheating on me with his secretary. Classic.

Was he going around with her when I had that accident? Or did all this started while I was being operated and my broken hands and legs were being fixed? Was she there for him when I was not?

Or did he start dating when I was crying day and night for all the opportunities that I missed?

Was he sleeping with her while I was trying to fix the crutches and dying with pain standing on my own legs?

How dare he?

How can he? How can he do something like this to me? He doesn’t have the right to destroy my life. He can’t just love someone else… or can he?

All of a sudden I’m feeling like the guy sitting in front of me is not the caring Rick I fell in love with,but an arrogant bastard full of shit.

I’m still sitting dazed and he’s still talking, to me or to Juno I’m not sure. I still can’t wrap my mind around it, “I love someone else” how can he say something like this and completely throw me off track?

It’s worse than anything I could have ever imagined.

Tears start rolling down my cheek. Suddenly I feel vulnerable. I wipe off my tears, smooth out the creases on my dress and stand up saying, “please leave.”

I go straight to the kitchen, turn off the stove, pick up the pan of the burned applesauce and place it on the platform.

I come out into the hall and see that he’s closing the door behind him.

I go to the closed door and see through the peephole – he is getting into his sedan.

I turn around and go to where Juno is sitting, set him off leash and sit where Rick had been sitting just a few minutes ago and as soon as I hear his car leave, a steady stream of tears start flowing down my cheeks.

I hug Juno and dropping all the pretences, I start crying.

***

You can read the previous parts of Jessie: Story About A Girl series here:

  1. Baking A Pie (Jessie #1)
  2. The Sting (Jessie #3)
  3. Autumn (Jessie #4)
  4. Evening Tea (Jessie #5)

NOTE: This is a piece of fiction any resemblance to any person or place (living or dead) is purely coincidental.

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It

Hello all,

I hope you guys are having a great start to this amazing week! I wasn’t able to write a post for Monday and Tuesday, but I’ve promised myself to be more regular. So here’s my 3rd story for the Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge.


Today’s Describli promo is Fear (A Ridiculous Fear) and here’s my story for it:

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This is not the prompt’s featured pic. But I like this one better, so I’m using this instead of the featured one.

It

I took a right turn and came to a sudden stop. I saw it looking at it’sprey. Black eyes bulging out and shining like thick lustrous black liquid. Skin reflecting the light of the setting sun like silk. It’s giant tail doing a sensual dance and it’s breathing dangerously calm.

It stood towering over it’s prey like a mountain in front of an ant. The pray was trembling, crying and begging for mercy. “Please, please let me go. I’ll never return to your territory again! I promise. Please, just let me go this time and I promise I’ll never disturb you again!”

I stood there frozen, seeing the intense exchange of emotions between a weak prey and a giant monster. I saw it move towards it’s prey with the grace of a water dancer. It moved it’s giant body like a huge snake. Stalking it’s tiny prey with hungry eyes and enjoying his helpless state.

I was drenched in sweat and my hands and legs started to shake. I wanted to run away from it and it’s unfortunate prey, but I was so shocked that I wasn’t able to find it in me to turn away and run. I took an unsteady step backwards and my sneaker squeaked.

It twisted it’s head ever so quickly that it might have been in less than a mili second.

The moment it’s eyes met mine, my legs started to melt like melting wax and my heart leaped to my throat. I let out an ungraceful sound from deep within the pit of my stomach, something like an animal cry, and it responded to my cry with a tiny tilt of it’s head. I was standing shocked still and was just waiting for it to turn to me and end my life but then it jumped and ran like I was going to eat it raw. For a second I did not understand what happened and then I heard my little sister laugh. I turned and looked at her.

She was giggling and said in a sing song voice: “Anna is scared of Lizard! Anna is scared of Lizard!”

***

Caged

Hello everyone! I hope you all are having a great week start 🙂

Last week I had a lot of things going on and as a result I had to abandon most of my reads and my 3 blog posts. My mother stayed with me for almost a week and we had quite a lot of fun this time playing cards (rummy and bridge.) But as always whenever I spend more than 3 days with my mother, my brain starts to get flooded with loads of depressing poems. I know it’s weird but my mom has that kind of effect on me. As I’m no poet, getting a ready poemin my mind is always good!

This is my second attempt at “poem” (the first one was My Father.) While reading please remember that I’m not a poet and neither do I know anything about it’s devises, etc. So if you see any mistakes or you feel that it’s a bit incomplete then please ignore.

Caged

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I’m a bird and I live in this cage

I don’t know why they never let me out

 I have no more desire to be free,

for I have no feathers left that will take me away.

I bit all my feathers and slashed and tore them out

For I have nothing else to do in this prison of mine

And only anger, and fear and endless fearful bouts

They come to feed me

and then they watch me eat

like it is really amusing

They get happy when I sing

like I am a good singer

They have a name for me

they take  good care of me

But if they love me so

then why do they keep me locked inside?

***

I’ve never been free

but I know it in my heart,

that the moment I will fly

I will be able to touch the sky.

What it is like to spread thy wings and fly

I don’t know, because never ever did I try

for they keep me locked up inside

and now I have no feathers left.

***

You keep me caged

like you are the God,

who will decide my fate.

What fun is this that you get,

seeing me tear up my feathers in frustration?

What fun is this that you get,

seeing me cry my heart out?

What fun is this that you get,

seeing me so helpless and weak?

 I can’t understand the definition of your fun

for I can never hurt anyone the way you do.

How can you be happy in someone else’s sorrow?

Seeing you, I feel like there is no better tomorrow.

I cry, I yell and sit here in complete harrow…

***

Being Unconventional

made by me!
made by me!

Life is too short to worry about each and everything that we do. Sometimes it’s liberating to ditch what people think is the correct way to live… Being unconventional makes you feel free, well atleast it makes me feel free! Being an Indian one might think that I’m totally surrounded by orthodox people, but that’s not the casunconventional-lifee. Luckily I’ve had parents, specially my father’s family, who believe in one’s freedom and space. My husband V, is my soulmate, he also believes in doing whatever feels right, no matter how bizarre it may be for others. My mom’s not typically orthodox but she does worry about what everyone’s gonna think. The way I see it, this way she gives others the power to decide everything for her. Seeing the difference between her and my father, I very well chose to be like him (genetically also I’m more like my father… thanks to the gene-genies!) Unfortunately, many people let problems and work take over their lives. They forget to live in small moments. Not everyone is lucky or brave enough to do things the way they want to. I strongly believe in doing what I like and I also try to encourage everyone close to me to do so. Here are some things that I do and I think that everyone should do some of these at least once:

  1. Have an ice-cream when it’s really cold outside.
  2. Try and have a good laugh at-least once a day.Felix_the_Cat_laughing
  3. Watch your favourite sitcoms or movies or whatever it is that you enjoy.
  4. Read at-least one book in a month or two (if you don’t already!)
  5. Try and be good to your maids, servants, watchmen or whoever helps you everyday.
  6. Listen to a song that you love and sing along ALOUD. You don’t have to be Adelle to sing, just sing for yourself!sponge-bob-sing-sponge-bob-coloring-pictures
  7. Get a stuffed animal, name it and talk to it whenever you feel like (no harm in living your childhood again!)
  8. Go to a cafe to have your favourite coffee in your favourite cute pink and white pyjamas! Even if you’re a guy.large
  9. Understand that sometimes it’s okay to sit quietly and do nothing.
  10. It’s okay to have a bad hair day, after all you’re not Jennifer Aniston.
  11. When life get’s too rough, just take a day off.3-day-off
  12. It’s totally fine to have a breakdown once in a while.
  13. Someday wake up at 5 am just to have a cup of coffee!coffee-cup-bean
  14. Treat yourself every once in a while to things that you control/ stop yourself from… like fries or cheese burst pizza!
  15. Have a internet-free day once every month… no fb, no blog, no mail peeping.2807100863_4878e36d73_z
  16. Get a full body message/spa once a month.
  17. It’s okay to cry yourself to sleep if you need to or if you feel like it.10062aac28457afc03a42b9e00e2254b
  18. Bathe in the sun every now and then.

Just do whatever you feel like. Remember, it’s YOUR life and you can do things the way you like! 539db8bcaa12f84db68d6b79344d89d8 - CopyWhat is your idea of being unconventional? Please share them so that even I can learn new ways to be unconventional 🙂

Have a beautiful day!

Guest-Post: Dealing With Negative Feelings – Make A Change!

Hi guys! Please welcome today’s Guest-Blogger, Erika Kind: The author of I’m Free and several other amazing books, she also has a practice for aromatherapy and self-development.

Erika is the sweetest and the most inspiring person I’ve ever known. She’s a great friend and an even better guide! I love reading her motivating posts on her amazing blog and always look forward to have a word or two with her whenever possible. She is an endless source of positivity and I can’t thank her enough for agreeing to write a post for this blog! Erika, you are the best ❤

Visit her blog, Author Erika Kind, to know more about her.

Presenting Erika Kind…

I am so happy to be asked for a guest-post by my dear friend Heena. What do I love most about her blog? Her fresh and light way of writing, and inspiring. To me she is a young woman with lots of feelings and a heart full of wisdom. Heena asked me to write about how to deal with negative feelings. A topic with a very wide range… where to start, where to go?

We all are caught by negative feelings at times; some more and some less. Why do we have negative feelings? (At this point I’d like to differ between feelings and emotions in order to provide a better understanding. Feelings to me mean something stable and kind of condition. Emotions are only of a short duration and emerge out of a happening.) So why do we have negative feelings? I try to keep it short and simple.

My Father

I know what you all might be thinking… ‘well, this is new!’ Yes, this is indeed new. This is actually the first time ever I’ve written a poem. I don’t know anything about writing a poem, so please don’t start sending me hate letters! I wasn’t able to sleep yesterday night (because it was my dad’s birthday) and while I was pondering on the in-numerous stuff I wanna achieve in my young age (like a book award by 25 yrs and a Nobel prize by 30yrs… etcetera), I felt a sudden pang to get my notebook at 2:30 am and write. So I did just that and this is what I wrote… Father-Silhouette-29

When the sky is black,

and the stars are high.

When the shadows are thick,

and the wind passes me by.

*

I think of you, my father,

and how I used to cry.

You would take me by my shoulder,

and tell me to try, harder still try!

For I was your child

and you could see me crying nei!

**

When the sky is black,

and the stars are high.

When the shadows are thick,

and the wind passes me by.

*

I look back at the day

when you left me alone, and I din’t know why.

But I was your child, my father,

So I pushed myself to try, and harder still try.

**

When the sky is black,

and the stars are high.

When the shadows are thick,

and the wind passes me by.

*

Here I am remembering you on your name day,

Missing you and making my heart cry.

For I loved you then and I love you now, my father,

even when you left me alone to cry.

 I know that this is my problem 

and no one else’s, no, not even thy.

*

When the sky is black,

and the stars are high.

When the shadows are thick,

and the wind passes me by.

*

I think of you, my father,

and how I used to cry.

***

I hope I managed to express my feeling well enough.

Happy B’day ‘My father’… love you always!